First of all I want to thank you for providing a website that offers help, insight and consolation. I've been in a very violent relationship for the past 2 years. The violence has continually escalated to its current state. I really feel within my heart that my boyfriend will eventually kill me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. My dilemma is this-He won't leave me alone, for some reason he feels as if I owe him something. I've put him out but he just kicks the doors in and proceeds to beat me up. I know you're saying "Why don't you just call the police?" Well I did, and he was detained for about 72 hours. After his release, he came to my house and beat me up again.
I'm not going to sugar coat this situation, I do love him (although admitting this makes me seem like a basket case headed straight for the crazy house) and I keep taking him back when he tries to assure me that that will be the last time. He's a parole violator ( carrying a concealed weapon), he's assaulted the security guard at my place of employment and he's broken out my employer's windows in an attempt to get to me after working hours. He's given me numerous black eyes, chipped teeth (my tooth went through my jaw), shot my tires out and a busted lip that will never go back to it's original shape. I am very scared of him for myself, my family and my friends. He constantly threatens me and everyone around me. I just want to be free.
I've promised him that I would never that I would never turn him in to the authorities again. I'm determined to keep my word, but I just want him to leave me alone. He left about 2 months ago when he found out that he had impregnated another woman but when he found out that she had lied, he was kicking my doors down again. I haven't called the police when he does this because he always threatens me by saying that If I call the police, he'll kill me first, then himself. I know that someone like this cannot possibly love me. I just want him to leave me alone.
Is there anyway to convince him to leave me alone without alerting the police? I know I'm crazy for trying to protect him after what he's done to me but I have a professional position and I'm trying to avoid any problems.
p.s. I'm trying to move (I'm in the process of saving) but he still knows my place of employment. Please help me.
First of all, you need to know that you are not crazy for "putting up with this". And you are not the only one who stays with a man like this. I know some women who are incredibly intelligent and educated who stay. I know some women who are rich and successful that stay. I know people who are warm and loving who stay. I think I know at least one person from every religion, race and economic group who stays. You are not alone. You are not crazy. What is true is that this man has POWER OVER YOU. His violent and punishing behavior is all about power and control over you. In addition to him constantly threatening, hurting and scaring you to gain power, there are parts of you that give the power to him. Some of this comes because of the good and wonderful characteristics you have. I hear that you do love him and care what happens to him. I also hear that you value keeping your word when you give it. I hear you want to protect your family and friends and keep things peaceful. Those are good qualities. But they do not serve you here. They end up hurting you because of the power imbalance.
Part of what is happening here is that you move into the energy of loving with him. When you are in that mode, you have a sense of fairness and decency. He moves into a mode or state of power. Now power is not bad in general, but his very immature sense of power is all about power and control - out of his dependency he feels he has to totally dominate and control you. So here he is in the worst kind of rage with a determination to seriously hurt you (and yes I agree, even kill you) and here you are wanting to be a decent, non-hurtful person. It is kind of like you get run over by a steam roller.
Let me just say a few words about love and power. The famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said that love and power were like two sides of a coin. When one side is up (conscious), the other side is down (unconscious). This means that when I am feeling loving, I am really not thinking anything at all about power. And, when I am in the power mode, love is unconscious and irrelevant to me. But both modes are important to us humans. Let's say I am sitting on my front lawn with a two-year old. I might be feeling very loving and warm and power is just not present in my mind. Suddenly the child lunges for the street and there is a car coming. Instantly, my mind switches from love to power. I scream, run after the child, grab him and maybe strongly tell him to never run in the street. Once the danger is over, I switch back to love and just enjoy being with the child.
Here is the problem for you. Your boyfriend comes to your home in a strong state of power with love unconscious. He is very undeveloped in his expression of power and it comes out as domination and control; he is looking for a big fight and it is all about who is going to win. If you allow yourself to go into the mode or state of love and deal with him from there, you are flat going to lose. Not that you want to have power and control over him, but you certainly want to retain it over yourself. He is an expert at power and control of the most hideous kind; you are probably more comfortable dealing with the loving side of life.
So what I hear when you want him to see that he should leave you alone is that you want him to move into the mode of love and act out of that mode. It just won't happen. The problem is that, much as this horrible way he expresses his power is undeveloped and ugly, it works. He has learned it works. He gets what he wants with you. I do not think you can convince him to give it up. You do not have enough power yourself to deal with him on this physical level. I frankly think you need to find a way to keep him distant and, when necessary, use the police who do have more power. This is a power game. (That the police do not always play their part well, I agree. This problem needs to be taken very seriously.)
I would recommend you make contact with an Advocate with the Crime Victim Compensation program in your town (see Resources) or other professionals in the domestic violence field. Get some support for yourself in knowing how to handle this. You are absolutely right, he could kill you and chances are high he will! This is a power game and you are simply not skilled at playing it. Do not let your own mind beat you up for being in this situation, you simply are not skilled at playing this kind of power game. But you are capable of learning to play it in a non-punishing, non-dominating way that keeps you safe!