I decided to leave my husband in August of 2000. I had stashed some money, so that I could leave and take my son with me. He filed paperwork against me and tried to take my son. I went back to him in order to protect my son. While I was there, I found a hit list in my husband's handwriting, as well as a detailed list of how he was going to spend my life insurance policy, of course, I would have to be dead in order for him to collect. After finding the lists, I took my child and fled to a shelter. He has since admitted that these lists were his and that he wrote them in a "moment of madness".
Since then I have been involved in a slow rape emotionally and mentally. He hired a vicious female attorney who has done nothing but harrass me and has gone so far as to file false allegations against me and has impeeded me from collecting any child support since January.
My soon to be ex, has done everything from stalking me, hiring a private investigator to set up my schedule, to writing a hit list detailing how he was going to poison my friends with methol alcohol. He has now been trying to deplete my funds by drawing court out as long as possible. My soon to be ex is military so I went to his command with all the information that I had including child pornography that I found in his possession and it fell on deaf ears. They ruled that there wasn't any domestic violence in our situation since he never beat me. I am beginning to feel like maybe I am in the wrong. We are scheduled to go to court on Tuesday, October 2, 2001 for a protective order and my attorneys are not sure that I will get it since it has been standing on the docket for more than a year. I am scared witless of him and carry a gun everywhere I go. I try telling myself that everything is going to be ok, but my body begins to shake horribly. I am so afraid that when we go to court he will see how afraid I really am of him. I really believe that when all this blows over that he will come after me and succeed in killing me.
I am not sure how after all this time I can get all the points across to the judge without the whole thing sounding melodramatic and if he will even listen even after no one else has listened. At this point, I am just ready to give up. Help please. I am at my wits end.
I strongly recommend you contact a Victim Advocate (free) or a counselor who specializes in domestic violence. You are not crazy, but you are beginning to distrust your own inner perceptions and to believe that he must be right. If you call the District Attorney's office for your county, they will have Victim Advocates or Victim Witnesses working for them. Another resource is to call safe houses (listed in yellow pages) in your area and see if they have free support groups. You need to be talking with someone who understands the dynamics of domestic violence.