I would like to let you know that there are a small number of people out there who are like me. I am an abusive man. I was psychologically abusive to someone who I cared about more than anything in the whole world, and I lost her because of it. I am currently seeking help from a number of sources. I am in a group for assaultive men and an anger management group. I am also doing some one on one counseling for depression and low self esteem.
When I was still in a relationship, I knew something was wrong I spent a lot of time agonizing over how I treated the person I loved, but it wasn't until she kicked me out and wrote me a note that I realized I was abusive. I didn't even know that psychological abuse existed. I also would never have described my father as abusive, even though I had stopped talking to him two months earlier because he threatened to "kick my ass".
The reason I am writing you is two fold. First I believe that most men will never seek help until they hit rock bottom, and in the case of my father he may never seek help. There are those of us though, who are different. My former girlfriend was the first girl I ever loved, and who loved me. I am 26 and I didn't meet her until I was 25. My self esteem is so low it took that long. As soon as I realized what I am, and where I came from I sought help.
It is very discouraging to look on the internet and not see a lot of encouragement for people like me to get help to change. I learned stuff from my father, that I don't like. I am doing my best to change that. I am also on the verge of suicide as I bear to think what I did to what could have been the best thing that ever happened to me.
I agree that it is far safer for a woman to get out of a relationship with an abusive man. I think Julie (my former girlfriend) did the right thing, but don't give up on people like us. We can change. Most of the people in my group are in there on probation. I am not, I sought help right away, as soon as I knew there was a problem. Statistically I cannot be the only one out there, willing to change.
I would be willing to answer any questions you may have. Please continue to help both men and women, who need it.
Comments
Yes, there are men who want to change and who do change. Please keep the positive attitude you have now and the good work and you will make it. Your relationship with Julie may be over, but there will be another woman in the future. You can have a wonderful, lasting relationship built on mutual respect.
hi there, i first applaud you! my exhusband mentally tore me up worse than the few times he put his hands on me. the old saying sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you is a crock of crap. but dont get me wrong i am bipolar and i never new it only recently was i told and finally medicated and treated for it along with discovering i was molested as a child so had i been properly treated for my issues only god knows if we would still be together. and samething applies to him in his own way. so mental health is important either way ya go. Please dont kill yourself, its been 5 years since enough was enough for me thanks to some help of neighbors and i still am struggling from things he did and said to me but im so much better now and will one day sit down and eat dinner with my kids daddy bc my kids have seen enough. never give up trying to make amends. help the next in line. keep telling your story leave hope for the next bc unfortunately there is evil in this world but people can change. Oh God can they! thank you btw. ur a prime example of change is possible! keep it up! feel free to email me anytime u might like to talk expecially before hurting yourself or anyone else! ill listen as long as i can and i am able!
BRAVO!! For the self reflection and the desire to change. I used to find it baffling to wrap my head around those that were unaware they were being abused. I'm uncertain of any of the stats on victimizers being unaware, as this is all so new and foreign to me. Well to my SHOCK, I found out on March 19, 2021 that my husband of 20 years has been abusing me financially, psychologically, and emotionally. WHAAAAATTTT??? I know! It explains soooo much. So, if you think I was baffled before....I'm even more so. And, I'm MAD AS ALL HECK!! I would've much preferred physical abuse as there's no mistaking it. Black and White. They either touched you or they did not. This other 'abuse' has screwed me up royally. My (now) ex, is unusually COVERT (and do I mean COVERT). Interestingly enough, my personality and character traits are what kept 'it' so concealed for so long. When it came to a head, it was head on collision at mock-10. I have so much hate for him it's quite terrifying. He filed a "No Contact Order" in December 2021, locked me out of the marital home. I didn't even have a change of clothes. The HATE I have for 'him' is now extended to the judge, attorneys, the injustice system, the divorce process, the community I've lived in for 45 years! EVERYONE and EVERYTHING!! I COMPLETELY LOATHE. I'm in a very dark deep rabbit hole, that I'm not sure is possible to climb out of. I had no idea that people of such conniving, manipulative, and cruel people existed, that appear so 'normal'.